a corn kernel's contemplations

 merry christmas you ho ho hoes! fig 1: transformice xmas outfit apparently. in honor of true christmas spirit, i am typing this with press-ons which are way too long for my liking, absurdely crossed off of my father's singular whiskey handle he left in the house, and left in the perils of my own room.  to the end of digital footprint: whenever someone finds this and inevitably uses it as blackmail, i hope it was for good. Excuse my drunken ramble (only hindered by these infruriating nails which do not let me operate at my fullest -- curse how aesthetic they look. maybe i'll adjust): I am currently caught up in only the most absurd situations. Situationships keep finding me, i do not keep going out after them (maybe this is a therapy topic, anxious people attracting anxious people, i think im also completely lying to myself). Good intentions lie underneath those insecure behaviors, but as someone who is trying not to serve insecurities, this is making it very difficult for me ...

And thus, I spent the first day back home at urgent care!  Boutta create the shit out of some antibiotic resistence.  Fig 1: A gnarly attempt at film photoshoot on a playground (teenage dirtbag inspo) and making edgy visuals (@sarahbabah-inspired) So much has happened within the past month.  (Disclaimer: I will post this blog as is without any proofreading, so please read at your own discrepancy. I wonder if this blog will forever be a part of my digital footprint and bite me in the ass one day in my professional world. This one's pretty wholesome, kinda sappy and sentimental, even.) Reflections on travel/being at home: Let's work somewhat chronologically backwards. I think one true value in visiting home is reconnecting with a past version of yourself. The versions of yourself that were set here. I feel like I always enter a different headspace depending on my surroundings, and honestly I want to try and stay grounded in my current daily one, because I feel like it's rep...

Every time before I travel, I feel obliged to deep clean my room. This feat usually takes a full day, sometimes even into the night. It's not an unrelenting spree of cleaning, but rather prolonged periods of procrastination in between each task. The current one at hand are dishes. I don't want to do the dishes because they'll make my hands itchy or my nails fall off. If I wear gloves, they'll smell like rubber for the next three business days. Thankfully, no one will be smelling my hands (i think) in the next three business days.  For this Thanksgiving break, I have made two incredibly impulsive decisions. 1. To drive to LA on a two day notice, for the vibes(?) and 2. To fly to fucking Hungary for a week. I don't think I gave Thanksgiving break any thought until this week arrived, and I am so unbelievably excited for both of these events. Thank god I didn't make these plans earlier, or I would not have been able to focus for weeks on end.  I also think as a chil...

  It's been quite a while since I have allowed myself to be nostalgic. I feel like it's a healthy feeling, but as I grow older, there are quite literally *more* parts of my life to reconcile. I constantly feel like I leave  certain parts of me behind in favor of picking up new parts of me, which is growth, but at the same time I feel like I always am missing core parts of myself that I do not want to be replaced.  I feel strongly about this especially with regards to art. I constantly forget that I have this skill I've spent years fostering and nurturing, only to never use it in daily life...like ever? Not even as a hobby anymore? Somehow other trendy things like crocheting, reading, and even this blog (although I think this is a healthy(?) alternative to journaling, which I welcome) have replaced this once crucial pillar in my life.  I think I often forget how pivotal of a role art has played in my life. I spent almost every day after school from 8th to 11th grade s...

Grant application season got me stressin, but writing is a nice break from non-stop coding and the dark abyss that is staring at VS Code for hours on end. Writing in single-column format is significantly less satisfying than writing in double column papers. Huge IEEE format fan.  I am extremely excited for Halloween since my Yor costume just came in >:) I would have loved making it myself, but unfortunately I do have (vague) priorities.  Reigniting my Hinge and Bumble has been a super... interesting journey. Honestly I am not in the relationship phase of my life yet, so just talking to people has refined my view of what it means for me to be in a good relationship. Maybe I'll list some criteria here that I have developed over the past few days, weeks, months, and years. In no particular order, aside from generally being a respectful and good human: Is a nerd about something, anything... I have so many hyperfixations about random topics, if someone else cannot contribute to ...

  And thus begins the quarter... I am labeling this #8 because I have an unpublished #7 about my trip to japan that I will likely not finish in the mean time because I do not have the willpower to write elegantly right now. I must say though, I finally cut my nails from japan and they are still hanging on strong going for about 5-6 weeks now. I left my ring finger in tact bc it has a special design, but it keeps fucking with my typing :/ This blog is insane fodder for people who are stalking me and don't know me very well, because now you do!  It is quite jarring when you realize that not everyone else's life is dictated by the politics of a university department and the weird geopolitics of individual dorms and cohorts. The first years have trickled in, and it is quite funny how each year has such a distinct flavor of people. Synestesia going crazy because right now I'm thinking a warm yellow for this new cohort, a nice teal/blue for my cohort, and a grey-purple for the co...

Currently in a Carhartt Jacket phase. My entire search history is second-hand Carhartt Jacket sales. Overconsumption is our devil, and I am an advocate >:) (jk please stop buying things you do not need, yes you). August is the month for pointless drives, late night walks (and scaring yourself), wine nights, and deadlift PRs apparently. Heading to Japan in literally 4-ish days?? This snuck up on me big time since I've just been hyperfixating on research.  Rambling on a keyboard feels pleasantly familiar, this time I'm actually using my mechanical keyboard, in hopes that I will actually start my final summer research report sooner rather than later.  Currently also reconnecting with old and new friends, and indulging in endless conversations about everything and nothing.  I've had a crazy range of conversations in the past 2 weeks. We often surround ourselves with a bubble of like-minded people, but how can we only choose one flavor of life to live? I think I'm very cl...

[this has been sitting in my drafts for weeks oops] Beatles slap ngl, for some reason they have been my go-to music as of late. Very chill review for a very chill day back at work (I'm procrastinating again by writing this blog). There are several very stale donuts in the office and I dropped sprinkles everywhere.  HITC review!: Head in the Clouds was physically brutal ngl. Standing for 6+ hours in the heat was so intense I think I threw my back out. I slept for 12+ hours the next day. However, the music listening and community experience was t.o.p. n.o.t.c.h. I went expecting to mostly enjoy DPR Live and Ian since I'm the most familiar with their music... BUT YOASOBI WENT SO INCREDIBLY HARD. Since this was Yoasobi's first time performing in the US, a lot of people came to HITC mainly for them, and I can confirm the crowd reflected that. It was the most energetic and hype crowd, even compared to Zedd (which convinced me that going to a rave would be fun). I got chills with ...

Humans crave community and connection, and yet there are only so many opportunities to foster them. I feel like the way the US is set up socially makes it impossible to find community without expending significant resources for it. Special edition today! Here are some preliminary thoughts/word vomit on Barbenheimer :) Barbenheimer:  I watched Oppenheimer twice, and NGL Barbie is the perfect pairing with it. Oppenheimer deals with the macro of human experience and what it means for humanity to experience this nuclear technology. Barbie deals with the micro, the day to day implications of interactions in society.  Oppenheimer is a cinematic masterpiece, but of course because it is a Nolan film, it is not a film about the atomic bomb. It is a film about the moral dilemmas faced by Oppenheimer and only Oppenheimer. It is a powerful film about a man leading the Manhattan project, but not about the entire team or any of the surrounding history. After watching it twice, I have made m...

I finally caved and installed my AC... except I realized the exhaust pipe kept coming loose so I was just doing net zero to my room. It works wonders now that I have duct taped it together. The refrigeration cycle is a beautiful thermodynamic invention. AC makes it feel like summer has actually arrived. Before I was just living in extended spring.  Research Update:  I think I for once have a clear outlook on the trajectory of my summer. I have so much work to do though...I finally presented my mid-summer update, which was scary initially but a good learning experience :) Lifting Update:  I finally began deadlifting and this is going to be such a rough journey lmao. My entire back is sore and my hamstrings are dead. I don't think I ever had hamstrings ngl. Benched 120 lbs for 1 RM and I'm super stoked about that. I think creatine helps? Art Tabling Update:  I have literally done zero drawing. I don't have any inclination towards beginning another drawing tbh :(  ...

The Flash movie is DC's attempt at restarting their "DC Universe"... and without spoilers, it did not do a good job :').  Research Update: Still kinda irked by the lack of structure/check-ins and mentorship. I think I'm realizing now that I really need hands-on mentorship especially in the beginning. Maybe I just gotta be more proactive about asking for it. There is *a* light at the end of the tunnel, but is it the light I am looking for? I don't know! Lifting Update: Smashing those hammies man, my hamstrings are so WEAK. Started the 3 day split on Wednesday this time so hopefully we don't keep slipping. I think I gained a lot of water weight from inflamation and it is finally going away! I still haven't benched yet this week but I definitely will at least on Monday. Art Tabling Update:  Based on extensive market research (many hours of watching TikTok), I have determined that our booth should be market-themed with gachas of Genshin and Star Rail charm...

On Monday, I got absolutely destroyed by PT because all of my current exercises focus on balance, which has apparently disappeared post surgery. Standing on one leg with your eyes closed proves to be very challenging. That being said, my dope physical therapist tasked me with standing on one leg on a balance ball WHILE COUNTING DOWN IN 3's FROM 100??? It honestly takes all of my concentration doing that even lying in my bed? I got to 97 before I required significant buffering and she completely roasted me for needing to subtract using my fingers. I am in fact not smarter than a 5th grader B). She offered naming  fruits next and I got to 5 fruits before I also gave up. And here I thought I was basically fully recovered.  Perfume Update: I tried Armani's The Yulong for the first time and this shit lives up to the hype :') I am so tempted to buy a $30 travel-size but I'll see if I finish this sample first. It is so comforting yet light and refreshing. J'adore has its f...

Finally, a vessel for my overflowing notes app to pour into. Now I can stop burdening Google Keep with my random thoughts and attempt to stucture them for myself :)  I think I will stick to the format of 3 main updates, and then random shit at the bottom! (Or completely and utterly throw away this update format and go on a whim) Research Update:  I have officially begun a terrifying journey into summer research. I do not have a defined research project and I feel like I'm going to have to really wing this one y'all LOL. I'm already thinking worst case how to present the very little work I have done and make it seem much more impressive than it actually is by making it seem like preliminary/background research... but maybe that is what is expected of me anyways? I have decided to work in a huge spurt on Saturday and Sunday in order to make up for the utter lack of work I have been doing these past two weeks. I really want to feel motivated and driven, but honestly I have not...