joy to parts of the world | #A | Dec. 25/26th, 2023

 merry christmas you ho ho hoes!

fig 1: transformice xmas outfit apparently.


in honor of true christmas spirit, i am typing this with press-ons which are way too long for my liking, absurdely crossed off of my father's singular whiskey handle he left in the house, and left in the perils of my own room. 

to the end of digital footprint: whenever someone finds this and inevitably uses it as blackmail, i hope it was for good.


Excuse my drunken ramble (only hindered by these infruriating nails which do not let me operate at my fullest -- curse how aesthetic they look. maybe i'll adjust):

I am currently caught up in only the most absurd situations. Situationships keep finding me, i do not keep going out after them (maybe this is a therapy topic, anxious people attracting anxious people, i think im also completely lying to myself). Good intentions lie underneath those insecure behaviors, but as someone who is trying not to serve insecurities, this is making it very difficult for me to overlook. The model of courting nowadays is fucking hilarious compared to the victorian definition. actually so funny if you think about it. 


pardon me, i'm going to test my wpm rn

dude nails only nerfed my ability to type by 10 wpm. I can normally get ~90wpm, but i got a solid 79wpm with nails and while being inebriated!! That's only an ~8% reduction in speed! Feminism.


Excuse the detour, but I think that the christmas spirit is a blended one for me. I immediately think about the mixed family dynamic i have along with the insecurity of my own household happenings, but all i can really say is that i'm happy to be where i am and who i am, like genuinely i'm so happy that i have so many other things like work and friendshps to be secure in and help me stay grounded as i figure out how to be confident in myself. 

i spent so much of my childhood trying to frantically figure out what was "normal" in a family and scrambling to apply that to myself as soon as i learned about yet another deficiency my family had. unfortunately, this seeped into parts of me that ended up being really insecure and constantly tried to change myself to fit in rather than embracing where i am at now. ive come a long way to not wanting to give up parts of myself, which i used to condemn, for social acceptence... and it's helped me live a much more fulfilling, truthful, and grounded life. savor your communities :)

Anyways, i hope the year has welcomed constructive and necessary chaoses that we were able to handle. to another year of growth.

best,

:)

--

(I find it quite charming to leave the typos in, so please an another extremely neurotic person please confirm this>?) Feels a little personal than the monotonicity of the typed verse. Handwritten letters are nice because of that. Each written character holds a thought.







 

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