S2 E1: rebuilding confidence and developing ego

 I think I spent a long time hesitant to write because I was afraid of it being cringe for myself to read back, but I also know there will one day be myself reminiscing on how naiive i currently am, so alas, we are back to creating.

You can never quite win with art, it's never as good as you'd like. 

I kinda miss exploring my own inner psyche, but this time maybe I won't completely self isolate and uhhh strike a balance whoaa! I come back this time equipped with more confidence in my own ideas, and a focus on drawing what speaks to me. Listening to what the world has to tell me instead of forcing an idea onto it. We'll see how long it lasts.

MACRO:

I'm submitting a paper!! finally!! wow um it's definitely not as monumental as I thought it would be, but uhhh \o///. Tattooing is SO fun and SO rewarding, but need to find more inspo for drawing designs lol (think about decorating human body more instead). 

Excited for the summer over all! Going to be hopefully filled with scuba, drawing, tattooing, research progress, and fun lil/big sized trips :)? 

MICRO:

Recent wins: I think I'm really sold on this night running thing and doing a half marathon... if this persists, this will definitely be the start of a new era. Starting rock climbing again, which is crazy. I'm limiting myself to drawing/tattooing, ceramics, film, reading/writing, rock climbing, muay thai, running... and doing research :). Yeah i'm gonna let this routine solidify a little further before I brag about it too much lol. 

Hiccups: got one day food poisoning, which certainly isn't as bad as it could be, but still lent itself to a very painful hour on the toilet. that toilet and i have been through some sttuff this past 3 years. truly a homie. 

Things I need help with: :/

RAMBLES ON CREATING

After a very long hiatus spent consuming instead of creating (as you can see I haven't written a blog since 2023, which promptly aligned with me stopping film photography, the last threads of my creativity), I reunited with an old enemy: drawing. 

Drawing/Art/Illustration and I have had a dramatic relationship. How that relationship began is of no consequence right now, but our last breakup was very "ten years into a marriage we start falling out of love with each other because of personal changes and circumstance.  we both wanted to be in love with each other again, but neither of us could. and so we co-existed in the same household for several more years, but then one day, something our child said (if child, if not, probably an instagram reel) inspires us to go to couples therapy, and it WORKS!! we have a honeymoon phase again and it's beautiful and wonderful and inspiring and makes me feel ALIVE.....but it's not sustainable. so now we are working towards a more sustainable loving relationship where love is shown through work and active efforts and a deep understanding of the other human, like no other. and there are little honeymoons every day :)"

but also recently I have found that people who have an EGO do "well" in the art world, but they're the linkedin influencer equivalent of the art world. so we don't actually want that kind of success >:( i want something DEEPER and COOLER and MORE REWARDING. 

Hope that helps yall!

stay safe out there,

:) 

Note to self: 

I should speak with more ego and confidence as I put anything i make (art) out into the world and not just incessantly capture the very essence of my mind at this current moment. I promise it's not that deep.

i don't think i could defend any attacks to my art. i'd just immediately crumble and agree that it sucks. I do not feel this way about my research, though. i definitely have a sense of confidence there that i can defend anything i say truely (ugh publishing papers is going to be so much WORK i haven't been putting into my phd currently LOL i'm very capable of it, i just need to get off the mental couch). anyways, hope i grow in that aspect very soon! in both regards!