a corn kernel's contemplations

  I think I spent a long time hesitant to write because I was afraid of it being cringe for myself to read back, but I also know there will one day be myself reminiscing on how naiive i currently am, so alas, we are back to creating. You can never quite win with art, it's never as good as you'd like.  I kinda miss exploring my own inner psyche, but this time maybe I won't completely self isolate and uhhh strike a balance whoaa! I come back this time equipped with more confidence in my own ideas, and a focus on drawing what speaks to me. Listening to what the world has to tell me instead of forcing an idea onto it. We'll see how long it lasts. MACRO: I'm submitting a paper!! finally!! wow um it's definitely not as monumental as I thought it would be, but uhhh \o///. Tattooing is SO fun and SO rewarding, but need to find more inspo for drawing designs lol (think about decorating human body more instead).  Excited for the summer over all! Going to be hopefully fill...

 merry christmas you ho ho hoes! fig 1: transformice xmas outfit apparently. in honor of true christmas spirit, i am typing this with press-ons which are way too long for my liking, absurdely crossed off of my father's singular whiskey handle he left in the house, and left in the perils of my own room.  to the end of digital footprint: whenever someone finds this and inevitably uses it as blackmail, i hope it was for good. Excuse my drunken ramble (only hindered by these infruriating nails which do not let me operate at my fullest -- curse how aesthetic they look. maybe i'll adjust): I am currently caught up in only the most absurd situations. Situationships keep finding me, i do not keep going out after them (maybe this is a therapy topic, anxious people attracting anxious people, i think im also completely lying to myself). Good intentions lie underneath those insecure behaviors, but as someone who is trying not to serve insecurities, this is making it very difficult for me ...

And thus, I spent the first day back home at urgent care!  Boutta create the shit out of some antibiotic resistence.  Fig 1: A gnarly attempt at film photoshoot on a playground (teenage dirtbag inspo) and making edgy visuals (@sarahbabah-inspired) So much has happened within the past month.  (Disclaimer: I will post this blog as is without any proofreading, so please read at your own discrepancy. I wonder if this blog will forever be a part of my digital footprint and bite me in the ass one day in my professional world. This one's pretty wholesome, kinda sappy and sentimental, even.) Reflections on travel/being at home: Let's work somewhat chronologically backwards. I think one true value in visiting home is reconnecting with a past version of yourself. The versions of yourself that were set here. I feel like I always enter a different headspace depending on my surroundings, and honestly I want to try and stay grounded in my current daily one, because I feel like it's rep...

Every time before I travel, I feel obliged to deep clean my room. This feat usually takes a full day, sometimes even into the night. It's not an unrelenting spree of cleaning, but rather prolonged periods of procrastination in between each task. The current one at hand are dishes. I don't want to do the dishes because they'll make my hands itchy or my nails fall off. If I wear gloves, they'll smell like rubber for the next three business days. Thankfully, no one will be smelling my hands (i think) in the next three business days.  For this Thanksgiving break, I have made two incredibly impulsive decisions. 1. To drive to LA on a two day notice, for the vibes(?) and 2. To fly to fucking Hungary for a week. I don't think I gave Thanksgiving break any thought until this week arrived, and I am so unbelievably excited for both of these events. Thank god I didn't make these plans earlier, or I would not have been able to focus for weeks on end.  I also think as a chil...

  It's been quite a while since I have allowed myself to be nostalgic. I feel like it's a healthy feeling, but as I grow older, there are quite literally *more* parts of my life to reconcile. I constantly feel like I leave  certain parts of me behind in favor of picking up new parts of me, which is growth, but at the same time I feel like I always am missing core parts of myself that I do not want to be replaced.  I feel strongly about this especially with regards to art. I constantly forget that I have this skill I've spent years fostering and nurturing, only to never use it in daily life...like ever? Not even as a hobby anymore? Somehow other trendy things like crocheting, reading, and even this blog (although I think this is a healthy(?) alternative to journaling, which I welcome) have replaced this once crucial pillar in my life.  I think I often forget how pivotal of a role art has played in my life. I spent almost every day after school from 8th to 11th grade s...

Grant application season got me stressin, but writing is a nice break from non-stop coding and the dark abyss that is staring at VS Code for hours on end. Writing in single-column format is significantly less satisfying than writing in double column papers. Huge IEEE format fan.  I am extremely excited for Halloween since my Yor costume just came in >:) I would have loved making it myself, but unfortunately I do have (vague) priorities.  Reigniting my Hinge and Bumble has been a super... interesting journey. Honestly I am not in the relationship phase of my life yet, so just talking to people has refined my view of what it means for me to be in a good relationship. Maybe I'll list some criteria here that I have developed over the past few days, weeks, months, and years. In no particular order, aside from generally being a respectful and good human: Is a nerd about something, anything... I have so many hyperfixations about random topics, if someone else cannot contribute to ...