midnight cravings | #10 | Nov. 6, 2023

 It's been quite a while since I have allowed myself to be nostalgic. I feel like it's a healthy feeling, but as I grow older, there are quite literally *more* parts of my life to reconcile. I constantly feel like I leave certain parts of me behind in favor of picking up new parts of me, which is growth, but at the same time I feel like I always am missing core parts of myself that I do not want to be replaced. 

I feel strongly about this especially with regards to art. I constantly forget that I have this skill I've spent years fostering and nurturing, only to never use it in daily life...like ever? Not even as a hobby anymore? Somehow other trendy things like crocheting, reading, and even this blog (although I think this is a healthy(?) alternative to journaling, which I welcome) have replaced this once crucial pillar in my life. 

I think I often forget how pivotal of a role art has played in my life. I spent almost every day after school from 8th to 11th grade scouring art forums, consistently working on pieces, and being a part of a community which drew and progressed nearly daily. A part of her hides within me every day, and I am itching for an opportunity to let it out. It's to the point where most new people entering my life don't even know I used to and still think about art neurotically. Ironic because it used to be such a core identity of mines. 

I've sought replacements like dance and acting through electives and extracirriculars, but I don't do any of those things with the same fluency as art (although they are fun). I don't really know what the solution is, but maybe it is for me to take an art class (no this is probably the wrong answer, I should probably just draw more lol). I crave the flow state where hours pass and my shoulder aches, but i want to add one more highlight. 

Complete aside: Similar to the nostalgia I get from seeing my middle-school past self, I wonder what kinds of nostalgia will bubble up when I begin reading these blogs back, maybe a few years from now. I wonder what kinds of reflections I will have made (and hopefully I will be more mature or something, idk). (is maturity just stability? I feel like what I'm chasing is some semblance of steady-state with my personality, i'm definitely still in the transient). It's so weird thinking about the present moment as a future memory, but I like it a lot. 

I vividly remember all of the awe-inspiring art that I would see as I scrolled through deviantart, and I saw myself inch closer and closer to the technical prowess of these artists with every study I completed and youtube tutorial I watched. I can't help but feel like I peaked already, and it will take tremendous effort on my part to not *get worse at art*, which is like an absurd fear. I can't really get worse from here. 

Side note: Trader Joe's mint cremes are phenomenal. 

fig 1: some old art, for the soul

I think a lot of my time is spent creating in my head, and the transition from idea to outcome/product is extremely difficult -- which is why I now just write everything here and call it a day! This is but a lazy shortcut, though. I think I should let myself doodle freely without fear of failure or repetition. I'm not sure when this happened, but I grew very self-conscious of the fact that I would have the same three go-to doodling items in the past. I feel like I pressured myself into pushing past this, but I'm not sure it was as useful. I think I developed an a fear towards freely-doodling and yet when I see my old art, it is so extremely repetitive. Yet, that is how progress is made. I remember seeing a forum post saying that oekaki artists (basically forums, but for doodling) progress the fastest since it encourages them to draw one thing quickly but concretely, not to perfection, and move on to the next. 

There is a lot of talk about rendering in the art community. One can spend hours rendering images to shave every pixel down to perfection, and while it can produce beautiful artwork (like league of legends splash art), the drawback is the breadth one gets from having a high turn-around rate for making "not really super completed, but pretty much done" artwork. I guess it's marginal returns. 

But, takeaway: draw more, because you like it. 

Next topic:

Intimacy in any form really reveals my insecurities. I think I've done a good job of addressing a lot of mine, but the core-beliefs (i.e. that I'm undesireable) are so difficult to shake, and definitely manifest as I get closer to people, especially even in friendships.

I feel like I have so many different facets of myself that I get the luxury to explore with my different friends :) I want to keep finding these people in my life that bring out different parts of me. 

On a related note, I've started attempting to conquer the world of online dating, and I can't help but think about how different (is it maturity?) I am compared to myself a few years ago. And then extrapolate this into the age differences. They say that age difference start to matter less when you're older, so I guess I'm not old yet.

Dates are strange, because I feel like I must impress. But I think if I am forced to feel that way around a person, it's probably not a great sign. I think my goal is to just be more grounded and myself when I am talking to people rather than desperately please and pine for their attention (which is clearly my homeostasis and equilibrium, if you will) :^)! Difficult task! I am asking for a lot from myself! 

I just desperately want one person to see every side of me :)

Regularly Scheduled Content --

Research Updates: This one is going well! Dream team with the coadvising situation, honestly past me would be proud of current me, and that is all i can really ask for :)

Crochet Updates: The hexagon continues to grow, albeit slowly.

Lifting Updates: I've been SO SICK RECENTLY WTF. I swear I have tonsilitis and I lost my voice. I uhh maybe will go to the doctors or something. Haven't lifted in like 2 weeks which is a massive L, but we will keep balling...soon. Been doing some light cardio though to help me feel sane. I think the pressure of "doing well" is getting to me, and I just have to remind myself that lifting at all is better than trying to wait for like 1 good lift...

I wonder when I developed a writer's voice. I feel like this is a relatively recent development. Unsure :/. It feels nice to ramble though, I see the appeal.