entanglements | # 11 | Nov 17th, 2023
Every time before I travel, I feel obliged to deep clean my room. This feat usually takes a full day, sometimes even into the night. It's not an unrelenting spree of cleaning, but rather prolonged periods of procrastination in between each task. The current one at hand are dishes. I don't want to do the dishes because they'll make my hands itchy or my nails fall off. If I wear gloves, they'll smell like rubber for the next three business days. Thankfully, no one will be smelling my hands (i think) in the next three business days.
For this Thanksgiving break, I have made two incredibly impulsive decisions. 1. To drive to LA on a two day notice, for the vibes(?) and 2. To fly to fucking Hungary for a week. I don't think I gave Thanksgiving break any thought until this week arrived, and I am so unbelievably excited for both of these events. Thank god I didn't make these plans earlier, or I would not have been able to focus for weeks on end.
I also think as a child, the build up and the anticipation of going on a big trip was just so painful and slow (while it did pay off), I like super spontaneous trips now because there is less build up and just mostly pay off. I vividly remember making a chain of 100 paper rings and counting down the days before my family would fly to the next destination. For 100 days, my entire life revolved around these paper rings. I guess I've been obsessive from the start. I think because the anticipation was so large, the crash and return from the trip would also be worse. Now, since these are impulsive decisions, the crash is lesser because I could be doing something dope again in less than a month. I love having access to adult money, and I truly feel like little me who rarely left the house as a kid is finally on the run :) I think I've travelled more in the past year than I have in...my entire life???
With respect to dating, I am currently thinking about first impressions. I feel like I make jarring first impressions, or each person I've gone out with has just been completely taken aback or surprised by who I end up as. Something about how my profile doesn't reflect who I am. This is entirely their fault for not stalking me as thoroughly as they should have before meeting me. In fact, I just perused my own instagram account one of my other seven accounts that I own to see what stalking my own IG would look like. It has an alarming amount of engineering content, but I feel like is a faithful representation of who I am as a human(??). I clearly hold no responsibility in this matter (I have no clue what to do about this).
I am also realizing that humor does not play as large of a role in my life as other peoples' lives. I feel like it is almost a priority for me, not for a lack of depth or vulnerability, but rather I think humor is vulnerable. I think the main point of me hanging out with people is to feel connected through experiences, especially through the lens of humor. Idk man, some people are just unfunny as fuck.
Research Update: Honestly, very unproductive currently, but I have waffled my way through my 1-on-1s and survived each one thus far! I think I am gaining more concrete deliverables as I keep going on.
Lifting Update: When I think back to last year and why I was so incredibly depressed and sluggish all the time (i.e. wouldn't leave my room for days on end), I think exercise and having a lab were paramount to me touching grass. I think I only squatted and did cardio this week (2x gym is mid, but not badddd), but squats felt phenomenal. I think the long ass breaks I'm taking between sessions is helping me recover so much better. This is what I'm going to tell myself to keep being lazy. I'm so stoked to DL more than 225lbs next time, fingers crossed :)
Consumerism Update: I keep buying shit man. It's so bad. I've bought like 3 things off tiktok shop because of black friday sales, and while yes it is a good deal, I feel so guilty each time (though this vaccuum did live up to the hype I think). I need to freeze my credit card or something, but oh well oops I'm going to LA and Hungary!
May god bless my soul as I begin to wash the dishes and fold the laundry. It's going to be hell, but maybe I'll watch Loki or something.
Comments
Post a Comment
Talk to me :)