reconnection | #12 | Dec. 20th, 2023
And thus, I spent the first day back home at urgent care! Boutta create the shit out of some antibiotic resistence.
So much has happened within the past month.
(Disclaimer: I will post this blog as is without any proofreading, so please read at your own discrepancy. I wonder if this blog will forever be a part of my digital footprint and bite me in the ass one day in my professional world. This one's pretty wholesome, kinda sappy and sentimental, even.)
Reflections on travel/being at home:
Let's work somewhat chronologically backwards. I think one true value in visiting home is reconnecting with a past version of yourself. The versions of yourself that were set here. I feel like I always enter a different headspace depending on my surroundings, and honestly I want to try and stay grounded in my current daily one, because I feel like it's representative of all of the progress I've made as a human, a checkpoint, if you will (more on this later).
To the contrary, I feel like in travel, I seek to enter a new alternate reality in which our current selfves don't really exist. That's why post-trip depression hits so hard, it's pretty much just reality crashing down on you again. Your escape was only momentarily successful. I think it's difficult to feel grounded...like ever? That being said, I think travel can be a way to break through plateus of being on the edge of a breakthrough maybe? [insert some white woman talking about how travel is about soul-searching and finding yourself. maybe the white women were onto something...I'm finding out more and more that white women kinda had a point this whole time?] Well either way, I'm quite plesantly surprised with my own reactions when I came home this time. I feel like I'm finally my own autonomous being.
~
On a less handwavy and more objective note, Budapes(h)t was beautiful. Really just another nice walkable european city, and honestly I would kill to live in a city with similar vibes if only it existed in close proximity to one (1) aerospace job. My travel style is decidedly spontaneous with a small travel group that is comfortable being alone and leaving alone.
In stark contrast, LA is a suburban nightmare come to life to haunt everyone with endless highways, inappropriately sized parking lots, and infinite traffic. I despise LA, but I unfortunately like the people there. I attempt reconciling my spiteful and rash past self with my still spiteful and rash, but less so, current self. I just keep thinking about how much I've grown, man. Sentimental times, truly
Reflections on Sal--a(???):
Reflections on womanhood, dating, and self-confidence:
I think all I'm currently looking for is to grasp onto the holds I've made for myself for feeling more and more confident in myself. I feel like I have genuinely fully embraced and felt confidence in myself in the past (...feel confident or feel confidence??...), and I'm currently just scrambling to match my past record of self-confidence (similar to coming home). I've found that superficial things help me put myself in that headspace, i.e. wearing jewlery, having my nails and hair done, wearking perfume and makeup...etc. And that's all that beauty really is, right? To reflect one's self image on the outside. These are all things that I've neglected in the past, but I realize now that it is a sort of positive feedback loop, where me getting ready makes me feel more confident which makes me feel like getting ready better so I can feel more confident which...
I really needed a strong woman figure in my life huh. And a strong father figure too while we're at it.
As I create and dissipate new relationships (platonic and romantic), I've come to terms that I simply want one thing out of my relationships: I want to find someone that I cannot RESIST being myself around. Not just "felt comfortable enough" to be myself, but rather feel the compelling urge to break all of my masks and enter my natural form, because they deserve to be trusted with it. I won't feed into the idea you've built of me, and in fact I want to constantly try and defy it by revealing more of myself to see if you'll still accept me. Aka just don't objectify me and treat me like a person ahahahahauha
I've learned that I should be *selfish* with wanting to love others and to prioritize myself just a little. I should put love into things that make *me* feel good. Despite how obvious that sounds, it is always so easy to become preoccupied with how I am making the other person feel so much so that my needs are no longer truly participating in the dynamic (which is what makes it fun!).
Reflections on the year:
In case I don't write another post before the end of the year, I think that this year has been pretty thematic, in feeling a sense of "coming of age". I feel like I overcame a lot of things I thought would be lifelong obstacles for me, especially regarding therapy topics, but am seeing a world in which I can really relish and embrace myself??? maybe?? I'm really happy with where my life is going, for once, and I just want to continue down the current path I have set for myself :) That feels amazing to say. My junior year self prayed for times like these B)
ALSO. Huge. My sleep schedule is somewhat FIXED. I haven't stayed up past like 5am unintentionally and I go to sleep generally around 2am and wake up around 9am, and didn't even revert into nocturnalism for an extended period of time!! I think the solution was twofold: 1. Having a regular lab/workspace to go to that wasn't home or a poorly defined study spot. 2. Fucking exercising and pulling myself outside of my room so I don't sleep all day and actually sleep at night. I really didn't think this would happen. I would like to thank the academy and my family and friends.
I hope I can continue the trend of nailing down my values while staying open and empathetic to new ones... I now feel more strongly towards Existentialism is Humanism and how the way you live life is the way you think human life should be lived. I really just want to continue finding beauty in moments *and in myself* to stay grounded and pull me right back into my own little ball of light. I just want to continue surrounding myself and being with people that make me feel and experience both beauties in its purest most human form?? is that so much to ask for?? but also, another lesson is to simply be patient and not force anything to happen. don't work against entropy :)! I think that's it. I will report back if there is more.
I'm also kinda scared that I will come crashing down at the end of all of this, and have major life regrets and insane self-guilt, but I currently don't think I will let that happen to myself. It feels like I'm riding a metaphorical high on my own mental self-improvement and I hope it is not temporary. I really just hope this isn't some mania mode....(it won't be. i think. knock on wood.)
Regularly scheduled content:
Research updates- Going pretty well! I think I've unofficially found a new lab...finished all the fucking quals classes, but still got another quarter of rotation before the official signature. Kinda hyped to make actual research progress rather than just flounder around and look at literature all quarter
Lifting update- Dude, I am still riding the high of lifting more than 225 for reps. I don't think I've stepped foot into the gym since, but I fully intend to get a few sessions in before the end of the year + when I go back. Feeling pretty good physically, but need to get back on track.
Nails update- I'm fully a nail girly, although I cannot type extensively with long nails, so here I am trying to type this out before I put on these press-ons. I want cute black/gold new years nails :9 I don't think it's hit me that we are entering a new year...at all? I'm still like mentally in November.
Hobbies update- guh i need to paint again. crochet is good, started some games, namely ffxiv!!, need to keep reading as well. buh
On digital footprint:
I really wonder if someone could unearth my entire being from just my digital footprint alone. I lowkey have an extensive and massive and public one. I also happen to know the exact path one has to take to combine my digital and public lives... and most people also have that lingering dependency...
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